Hey Beauties! Happy Tuesday!
How many of you deal with perfectionism? As I began to ponder on this exact word, I read Webster's dictionary which describes the word perfection as the perfection of moral character, the quality of being perfect, and to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable. Most of my adult life perfectionism has gripped me like a rubber band tightly wrapped around a bag. It has caused much anxiety, overwhelming feelings, and much heartache. It suffocates you. I have been a people pleaser for most of my life, so why not tack on wanting to be perfect also. I've asked God to show me exactly where it started, and of course, it began as a child. I can remember sitting at the kitchen table doing my homework lessons and not being able to grasp how to do my math assignments and my mother being upset with me. I can remember being a teenager and getting not so good grades in school (always a B and C student) and feeling unworthy because I didn't feel smart enough. I can remember getting pregnant at 19 and remembering how I felt that I didn't measure up to the standards that my parents had for me. In those moments, the perfectionism began because I wanted to please, be perfect, and make sure that I never let anyone down. The perfectionism in me gripped me so tight that it has been a constant reminder of how not to fail and how to do everything correctly. It has caused my relationship with God to be unstable at times because I've wanted to be perfect at everything. The truth is I am imperfect. I have many flaws, but I have always done my best to hide those imperfections. For such a long time, I wanted people to see that I was confident, go-getter, perfect, and able to do it all. But the truth is I have based my worthiness of love and acceptance on how perfect I was. I didn't want anyone to see that I was imperfect. There were a few that could read me, but no one has ever really had the guts to tell me that I was flawed. No one has ever really had the courage to sit down and tell me the truth. That I didn't have to be perfect; it is something that I still struggle with. Not in the sense of people per se but with God. I walk around feeling that I have to do things in perfection to please him. It hurts me. It causes me to feel overwhelmed most of the time. I don't want the confrontation of who I am to distance me away from the people or things that matter most to me. I continuously question who I am in God's eyes. There are times that I wonder am I worthy of this friendship or relationship. Why? I don't know the answer to that right now. I guess it has a lot to do with my upbringing. I am not saying that my childhood was terrible, but I felt so unworthy of love from my parents, especially when I disappointed them. It drove me to please them and to try to be perfect so that I didn't disappoint them. I realize that I am the same way with God. I carry a lot. I hold onto a lot. I have a lot of memories that sometimes try to keep me down. I still feel like I am in a shell ready to come out but, at times, don't know how. Perfectionism keeps me in bondage. I am ready to be free of it. Perfectionism causes you to be hard on yourself, procrastination, having trouble relaxing, fear of trying new things and missing opportunities, trouble making decisions, never being able to enjoy the "now" moments, people-pleasing, anxiety, and never feeling good enough or even feel inadequate.
As I started meditating on God's words about how we all sin and fall short of God's glory, it occurred to me that being a perfectionist prevents me from living fully in Christ's love.
These are some affirmations that I have started saying to myself: 1: Let go of the need for other people's approval, 2: Love and Accept myself, 3: I am Worthy, 4: I am Whole, 5: My worth does not depend on my work or productivity, 6: Trust the process, 7: I am ENOUGH! 8: God loves me exactly for who I am, and no need to showcase that.
I am recovering. I am a work in progress.
How has perfectionism kept you from living fully in Christ's love? I'd love for you to share your thoughts in the comments.
Read: Romans 12:2-3, Psalms 139:1-4, Psalms 139:14